My boyfriend tried to teach me how to use chopsticks today. There was much cursing and fumbling. It probably looked like Annie Sullivan teaching Helen Keller. Never one to learn new things, I resorted to using a fork. If I had to eat every meal with chopsticks, I would lose a ton of weight. The food would never reach my mouth. I could create a new diet craze. It made me laugh to think of some of the things exes have tried to teach me.
One boyfriend tried to teach me how to box. Boy, was that a failure. He wrapped my hands, put gloves on me, tried to teach me the stance. After about an hour, he gave up. I was so uncoordinated. Trying to keep my feet a certain way and move my arm another was just too much. He tried. God bless.
Bob tried to teach me how to play guitar. I messed with it for about two weeks and gave up. I barely learned part of a Lisa Loeb song.
Another boyfriend did successfully teach me how to knife fight. At times, it got a little hairy because he was also the most unstable of all my boyfriends. He told me to "really fight" him. The most important thing that I took away was to not watch the attackers eyes, but to watch their chest. Their eyes may go in a different direction than the way they would stab. However, they will instinctively turn their body the way that they will stab. This may save me if I ever go down a dark alley or serve time in prison.
The same boyfriend that tried to teach me to box also tried to teach me chess and Rock Band. Neither of those went well. In fact, Rock Band went so disastrously that he yelled "This isn't even fun anymore!" I was just that awful at it. On my behalf, we always drank while we played. My Tommy Lee days were short lived. If a drinker can't stand my drumming, no one can.
My attention span is very short so I doubt I'll ever learn anything new. It's not that I'm not smart enough; I just lose interest. Inherently, I think we all want to teach others. It must be very frustrating for these poor men to try with me. I know from trying to teach myself things. I tried to learn one word of Russian while driving. I had a podcast that slowly taught one word per lesson. I ended up turning it off and listening to Joe Rogan instead. How does anyone have patience to learn? How did I ever learn anything in my life? I'm surprised I'm not a feral being, running around like a maniac. The discipline it takes for me to focus is intense. Even as I write this, I have to keep myself from checking things on my phone. The only thing I can fully commit to is sleep and that's abused to an extreme. I could become a pro at it. There could be a league of pro sleepers. I'd have to include the man I saw at the Chinese buffet who was wearing a robe and flip flops. He's living the lifestyle; I bet he can sleep like a pro.
Sometimes, I think of doing meditation. What a joke. That lasts for about thirty seconds before I'm onto something else. If I can make it through a movie, that's an accomplishment. I'm still determined to learn all of the presidents in order. I'm up to eight. We'll see.
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