The text files

  I read that during your menstrual cycle you send out pheromones attracting males to you. When I first read this, I thought "What bullshit." Then, I realized that maybe it's true. On your period, you feel your worst- bloated, angry, moody and waging a battle with your reproductive parts similar to the battle of Stalingrad. How could that attract a man? Oddly, I notice more men being complimentary and flirty. I noticed another phenomenon that would be classified on the psychic front- communication with exes and former dates. Every time my period rolls around, I can count on getting texts from former dates and possible run-ins with exes. This is without fail. It baffles me every time. Last month, I got a series of texts from one guy I had one date with and who I hadn't seen in a year. In fact, he had no idea I lived in Pittsburgh. Out of the blue, he texts. At one point, he asked why I didn't tell him I moved here. I felt like saying because we had one date and I never heard from you again. Communication like that is weird. Either he thinks I'm a perpetual bachelorette, like a female Clooney, or I'm so lonely I'm bound to be available. I think it's the later and I'm insulted. Really, buddy, you think I can't find someone in a year's time? Thanks.
  These weird texts out of the blue always occur in clumps, which is even stranger. For one week, during the length of my period, guys from my past randomly think of me and text me. This should be studied in a lab somewhere. Last month, I also ran into two exes. One was completely by accident. It was pleasant and unexpected. The other run in was friendly but I wondered why I ever dated him in the first place. I always wonder what they think of me when they see me. What goes through their minds? Is there regret or a sense of relief? On the whole, I generally like the part where I get to tell them I'm very happy and in a great relationship. With a 22 year old hottie.

You can't teach me any new tricks

  My boyfriend tried to teach me how to use chopsticks today. There was much cursing and fumbling. It probably looked like Annie Sullivan teaching Helen Keller. Never one to learn new things, I resorted to using a fork. If I had to eat every meal with chopsticks, I would lose a ton of weight. The food would never reach my mouth. I could create a new diet craze. It made me laugh to think of some of the things exes have tried to teach me.
  One boyfriend tried to teach me how to box. Boy, was that a failure. He wrapped my hands, put gloves on me, tried to teach me the stance. After about an hour, he gave up. I was so uncoordinated. Trying to keep my feet a certain way and move my arm another was just too much. He tried. God bless.
  Bob tried to teach me how to play guitar. I messed with it for about two weeks and gave up. I barely learned part of a Lisa Loeb song.
  Another boyfriend did successfully teach me how to knife fight. At times, it got a little hairy because he was also the most unstable of all my boyfriends. He told me to "really fight" him. The most important thing that I took away was to not watch the attackers eyes, but to watch their chest. Their eyes may go in a different direction than the way they would stab. However, they will instinctively turn their body the way that they will stab. This may save me if I ever go down a dark alley or serve time in prison.
  The same boyfriend that tried to teach me to box also tried to teach me chess and Rock Band. Neither of those went well. In fact, Rock Band went so disastrously that he yelled "This isn't even fun anymore!" I was just that awful at it. On my behalf, we always drank while we played.  My Tommy Lee days were short lived. If a drinker can't stand my drumming, no one can.
  My attention span is very short so I doubt I'll ever learn anything new. It's not that I'm not smart enough; I just lose interest. Inherently, I think we all want to teach others. It must be very frustrating for these poor men to try with me. I know from trying to teach myself things. I tried to learn one word of Russian while driving. I had a podcast that slowly taught one word per lesson. I ended up turning it off and listening to Joe Rogan instead. How does anyone have patience to learn? How did I ever learn anything in my life? I'm surprised I'm not a feral being, running around like a maniac. The discipline it takes for me to focus is intense. Even as I write this, I have to keep myself from checking things on my phone. The only thing I can fully commit to is sleep and that's abused to an extreme. I could become a pro at it. There could be a league of pro sleepers. I'd have to include the man I saw at the Chinese buffet who was wearing a robe and flip flops. He's living the lifestyle; I bet he can sleep like a pro.
  Sometimes, I think of doing meditation. What a joke. That lasts for about thirty seconds before I'm onto something else. If I can make it through a movie, that's an accomplishment. I'm still determined to learn all of the presidents in order. I'm up to eight. We'll see.

All roads lead to exes

  I was driving home from dinner with friends, when I drove through a neighborhood and thought "Oh, I went on a date with a boy from here." Is this how everyone learns their cities? I highly doubt it. It started with Patrick. I became very familiar with his area. Now, I only get close to it on detours when the Liberty Tunnels are closed. Shadyside was M.'s part of town. Bloomfield was home to NBF and boy of one date that looked like Jake Gyllenhaal. I'm familiar with South Hills, home to Herps and my current boyfriend. I once saw a sweet nighttime view of the city via the apartment window of a guy that looked too much like Jerry Seinfeld.
  It's not just various areas that remind me of exes. It can be a song or a smell. Patrick smelled great. Sometimes I'll smell someone wearing the same cologne. Or, I'll hear a funny podcast and think of him. By now, they're fond memories. Usually, when I see Brad Pitt, I think of Bob. But, then, I think of when I first started to suspect he was cheating when he bragged that a girl at work said he looked like Brad Pitt. Then, I dislike him and Brad Pitt. It starts to then snowball into guys that resemble Brad Pitt like Charlie Hunham. It's a big ball of lust and hate. When I watch Spongebob with Viggo, Squidward reminds me of NBF. He's kind of like the human version of him. One of those football Manning brothers looks a lot like M. There's a guy on Boardwalk Empire that's a dead ringer for Patrick. Any shaved head guy with glasses takes up about half of my dating list. There was an Italian guy that looked like that bastard son of David Tennant and a member of Franz Ferdinand. Herps looked like a really screwed up version of Robert Pattinson. You can see my constant torment.
  Sometimes it's a song. I had my first kiss with Vasily to Pablo Nutini. The song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol had very sentimental value to Bob and I. It was probably one of the last times we spent together with genuine love felt between us. I once hit a raccoon while listening to Neko Case's song "Pharaohs". I know that's really random, but it still haunts me. If you're in a delicate state, any of these things can bring you to your knees. Seeing a poinsettia once made me sob uncontrollably because it reminded me of my Grandmother. I'm a sentimental idiot. Can't be helped. I often wonder what reminds these guys of me. Is it a smell or a song? Do they even think of me? If so, with fondness?

These guys are crawling out of the woodwork

  Today I read an article about quantum entanglement. There is a theory that because we all come from the same beginning (Big Bang) that we are connected to each other on a quantum level. This may explain why you might think of someone you haven't heard from in a long while and then suddenly they  contact you. I have a theory to throw into the mix- the- I got a boyfriend and previous men from my life can sense it- theory. In the past week, I've had five guys contact me from out of the blue when I haven't heard from them in forever. Where were these dopes when I was lonely?
  The first was Herps. He sends random texts inviting me to see his band. I always decline. The other night, I get one around 2 a.m. saying "Come sit on my face." I'm not even kidding. Now, let me establish that we have never had that kind of dialogue with each other at all. This is akin to a penis pic- totally unwarranted and offensive. I sincerely hope it was meant for someone else and he accidentally sent it to me. The best response seemed to be no response.
  Then, I hear from two guys that I had one date with each. They were alright dates. The one guy was closer to my age, and attractive. We had drinks and watched The Shooter starring Mark Wahlberg. The other guy took me to dinner and we later had drinks at an amazing champagne bar. But, no second dates were made. Each of them tried, but I was always busy. Maybe on purpose.
  Then, two guys I never even made first dates with contacted me. The one guy, I was supposed to see the Dark Knight Rises with, so that tells you how long ago that was. The doofus just texts me, wanting to get together. Really? Missed your chance, chump. Same for this other guy. We tried to make dates repeatedly. He was always a bit squirelly about it. He claimed he didn't text and we only communicated via email. I eventually told him I thought he was "catfishing" me and that he must be 300lbs. Who knows? Its' kind of infuriating. I went soooo long without anyone. So many lonely nights. Now, I'm bombarded by former connections. The universe is a cruel mistress. I just don't get it. It's as if they can sense that I've found a good man. And, shit, these guys don't even come close. It would be like comparing Tobey Maguire with Chris Hemsworth. My guy is super hot and the man of my dreams. He may screw up birthday planning, but he's awesome. I think Ryan Gosling could proposition me and I'd turn him down. Wait, I'm not sure about that one. Ryan Gosling is on another level from the rest of men. How about Michael Pitt? Yeah, that works. He's damn good-looking." Sorry,  Mr. Pitt, I have a man." Seriously, saying "Sorry, Mr. Gosling, I have a man" just isn't a statement anyone would ever say. But, I am head-over-heels for this guy. The world must be able to sense it.

Travels with Bob

  A co-worker of mine is going to Ireland in a few weeks. It brought back great memories for me of when I went there in 2003. Bob and I had been married for a little while and we had always wanted to go there. My grandfather's family was Irish. The Flemings are Scottish and the Griffith clan is Welsh. But, I think many people have a longing to visit what might be the most beautiful of the British Isles, as did we.
  This trip was anything but boring from the start. With my crazy luck and the believed curse of the Flemings, there was never a dull moment. It started in Pittsburgh with our plane tickets. The very first clerk we saw didn't process Bob's ticket correctly. From that point on, every plane stop we had to make, they declared Bob wasn't on the previous flight. It got really interesting when we were coming back from Ireland and they tried to tell me I'd have to fly back alone until they got his ticket cleared up. That wasn't happening. I've learned that airlines are really good at making mistakes and making you suffer for them. Luckily, we got home together. The funny part was, Bob was very angry about this and wearing a green military coat. This promptly got him pulled out of line and searched by security guard. I was having my own troubles understanding the man taking my ticket. Having never flown before, I was baffled by him asking if I packed my own bag. Not having a criminal mind, I didn't realize he was asking for the prevention of terrorism. As I contemplated this question, the stoic Irishman got less and less patient with me. Blondie finally figured it out and we somehow got out of Ireland.
  While we were there, we had the best time ever. We didn't have an itinerary, so we just drove wherever we pleased. I had a bit of trouble with the accents in Dublin and Bob had some with the accents in the countryside. At a bed and breakfast, the owner asked if we'd like salmon and scrambled eggs. I was surprised when Bob said "yes". As we're eating, he wondered why the eggs tasted different. I told him because of the salmon. "Salmon? There's no salmon". He didn't understand what the man asked. I laughed like crazy.
  Our main misadventures were on our night in Galway. The whole trip, we kept from drinking the water. We were smart enough to know that bacteria can plague you in foreign water, so we refrained. However, we quickly grew tired of Ireland's tiny Cokes. They're half the size of American ones. At our dinner in Galway, our waiter placed a pitcher of water on our table. Foolishly, we drank. Back at the bed & breakfast, Bob was beset by horrendous diarrhea. Being a jackass, I teased him for it. Karma was an awful mistress because, then I was hit by violent vomiting. We fought all night for time in the bathroom. I declared my situation worse since he left a lingering smell from his part of the illness, which made me puke more. The claim to fame of this bed and breakfast was that Chelsea Clinton once stayed there. After that, I'm sure it was the smell and sounds the two Americans projected from their room. To make matters worse, we had a forty-five minute ferry ride the next morning. Thankfully, we were much better by then.
  Overall, we had a great time. We saw some astounding sights like Newgrange and the Cliffs of Moher. These are forever in my mind. But, as Martha Gellhorn once stated about travels, no one wants to hear about your trips. They only want to hear the disaster stories. I'm glad we made the trip and I someday hope to return, this time with Viggo. I'll remember to not drink the water and to answer quickly that I've packed my own bags.
 

Jealousy

  We all have a reservoir of jealousy within us. Some more than others. I think mine is the size of the Pacific Ocean. But, after having been cheated on twice, I'm convinced it's more of wariness. "Who's this whore posting this comment on Facebook?" I say to myself. Everyone is under scrutiny. If I'm seeing someone, everyone that posts something on their page is getting investigated like I'm on the Warren Commission. 

  Men are different, though. Sometimes they are lacking in jealousy. Or maybe it's a sign they're going to cheat. Both of my exes who cheated were lacking in that territory. I had a male co-worker that I got along with very well. He joked that he would give my husband at the time a carton of cigarettes as a trade for me. Expecting outrage & indignation when I told him of this, I instead got what I thought was half- serious consideration. When I was seeing another guy, I got offered $9000 by a guy on Facebook for "ten minutes of my time." Once again, I was presented with indifference and disinterest in the whole situation. Where was the outrage and jealousy? I would've been hunting someone down with a raging fury if I were those guys. I remember my first boyfriend stepping up to the plate. A co-worker drove me home one night. We were hanging out at the apartment, shooting the shit. My boyfriend called & I told him this guy graciously offered to drive me home and was there. Next thing I know, my boyfriend is there, throwing the door open telling him he'd better leave. At the time, I was embarrassed. Now, I appreciate his actions. Plus, he was smart enough to know that guys usually have an agenda when they help a girl out. 

  The last guy I saw was the worst. Not a jealous bone in his body. He was all about wanting an open relationship. This was super confusing to me and almost started a bar fight. We went out one night with two good friends of mine that had come from WV to visit. We went to a bar and NBF (non boyfriend) joined us. Being in a bar, I proceeded to drink and subsequently flirt with a guy one table over. But, I thought it was kosher since I was in an "open" relationship. This guy was very drunk and rowdy. To the point that he sat in NBF's seat when he got up. I told him to leave, but he stayed like glue. NBF came back and told him to get out of his seat. Drunk guy says "What are you going to do, I'm trying to fuck your girlfriend?" Then, there were lots of puffed chests and angry words thrown about. We quickly left the bar, barely avoiding a fight. NBF wasn't fighting over my honor though. He felt he had been disrespected. Once again, I wasn't a coveted item. 

  I don't know how it will be for me in the future. I like a man to have some jealousy. I think he should like that men look at his woman, but not too long. I guess, to me, it's a sign that a guy cares. He's worried about a man trying to steal his woman. You're something that they care and worry about. Maybe it's a crazy philosophy. 

  Women carry it way too far, of course. I once had an ex help me out in an emergency situation. He couldn't get a hold of his girlfriend to tell her he was helping me out. "You never saw me today." were his words. I complied but thought it was completely fucked up. That's taking it a little far. I think there has to be an equally healthy dose of trust and jealousy to keep a relationship afloat. Don't go batshit because his female cousin writes on his Facebook wall & give a shit when someone gives your mate special attention. Especially if that special attention includes kisses and sex. You'd think people could be decent in a relationship, but they can't. I hold onto fidelity like the Queen does her crown, but I'm a lone wolf. I had three women tell me their husbands had left them this week at work. Just normal customers. It's sad. Sadly, for a lot of folks, there's always other fish in the sea. And, they feel they're the big fish. I'm using too many fish analogies. You get the point. People suck. Sleep with one eye open. Trust no one, etc. 

Stuff it in a sack, Facebook

In Elle magazine, there is an excellent article on Sonic Youth's Kim Gordon. Apparently, her over 20 year relationship with Thurston Moore ended when she found out he was cheating on her when she checked his texts. Sound familiar? I was floored by this. Kim Gordon is one of my idols. In my top five of coolest women on the planet. This happened to her, too?! Who the hell could he find that's cooler than her? Oh, that's right, no one! What a jackass. Is every man lead by his dick?
I'm in this bizarre, new place where I've been making peace with the past. I've moved on & forgiven everyone in both of my horrendous cheating situations. I found that my main foe has now become Facebook. First, it's constantly suggesting that I might "know" my ex-husband's girlfriend in the friends update. Yeah, Facebook, I know her. I probably also know the kid who threw rocks at me in sixth grade. You can stop suggesting it to me everyday. I'm happy for Bob & her, but I don't want Facebook to suggest we become friends.
Friends- what I seem to have also become with another ex & his girlfriend. I've forgiven them, too & made my peace. She seems to be going the extra mile so that we can all be friends. I accepted her friend request. Which made me realize that he & I weren't friends there. So, I requested him only to be taken to our last page of conversation- Me "Kisses!" Him "Muah!" That was weird. And, it's weird to see pics of these guys all happy with theses girls. I do wish happiness for everyone because I'm a kind-hearted person. Maybe it's why I feel I've found happiness lately. The possible purging my soul of all if this darkness sure helped. And maybe karma does exist. Quite frankly, I'm due for some good luck. According to my karma calculations, I should fall in love, win the lottery & receive an Oscar or Pulitzer. It's been a bad couple of years. As for everyone else, I do honestly wish them all happiness. Just keep it out of my face, Facebook.